We talk to the consultant of our first book "Night Adventures" - child psychologist Vanya Dunkova, who is also the chairwoman of the "Bulgarian Association for the Development of Psychomotor Skills".
Question: Do you often encounter children in your practice who have difficulty separating into their own bed or room?
Yes, often. Anxious (or currently anxious) children cannot sleep in their own bed because the security they need to be able to fall asleep peacefully is, for some reason, not available, and then they feel left to their own devices. And when you are alone and you are small, and when you cannot yet think about the world logically (but only through fantasies that can be frightening), you feel even more defenseless.
Question: To understand the children's perspective and what they experience with this change – sleeping alone – could you tell us why this is a big challenge for some children?
Being in mom or dad's arms, feeling their body as a support, as something to hide in, to snuggle in and feel protected, refers to children's basic need for security. Separation is difficult for children because they feel that when they are separated from this safe and warm place, they must lose this support that protects them, and ultimately keeps them alive. Up until about 3 years of age, separation is difficult because only then do children begin to understand that the world is not such a scary place. And that if mom and dad stay sleeping in their own bed in the other room, this does not mean that they will disappear and the child will lose them or vice versa - that the child will be lost or abandoned if they are not near them.
Question: How can parents help a child with a fear of the dark or nightmares? How can psychomotor skills help in such situations?
Some psychological paradigms recommend that up to the age of 3, children should not be denied the opportunity to come to the adults' bed at night, if they need to, and to sleep with them. Some others recommend separating the child from the first day in a separate room, and often in this case, children have no problem sleeping alone, because they are used to it and accept it. So first, one must trust one's intuition - what is best for them as a parent to follow. If one has firmly decided to separate the child, even though the child is anxious and does not want or cannot sleep alone, or if, if one is confident that one is giving the child the security he needs in other ways and the time has come for independent sleeping to happen, then so-called techniques come to the rescue - telling and reading fairy tales, making security talismans, turning on the lamp, leaving a stuffed toy doll - a favorite object in the bed, which can replace the security of the mother's or father's presence, etc.
If I had to speak from the point of view of psychomotorics, I would play with the child's fears and put them in a scenario, or I would invite the child to come up with a scenario with them and play out the imaginary situation of falling asleep on their own. There is a simple logic behind this – when we play something, we make it seem familiar, i.e. it is not as threatening as the real situation. At the same time, it IS connected to the real situation. I.e. we play the scary thing and it stops being so scary. If it becomes a little funny during the game – even better. And so, little by little, the scary thing stops scaring us in reality. The child's mind has fantasized the scary thing, in the game it has examined it from all sides, it has touched it, it has learned it and it goes away...
Question: What advice would you give parents to make the transition to independent sleeping easier?
Only to trust their own intuition – they feel their child, they know how big their fears are, how frightening they are, how possible or impossible separation is. They can certainly turn to themselves and ask themselves “Am I afraid of my child sleeping away from me?” Of course, you will find many tips on how to do this step by step – if they sleep between you, first move them to one side, then – to a bed attached to yours, then move them away, then move them to the nursery and the like. They only work if you are calm with your decision. Then other ideas will come by themselves. And even if they don’t come, your child will feel that you are calm and confident, and it will become easier for him. If you use techniques and ready-made advice, but internally tremble from the upcoming change, then your child already knows this and will react accordingly – he will cry, pull himself, get up and look for you, i.e. It will return to you the anxiety it senses you are experiencing. And it will struggle with it too.
"Am I afraid of my child sleeping away from me?"
Question: How should parents react in the most common cases of separating the child into their own bed or room – for example, several hours of unsuccessful falling asleep or waking up soon after falling asleep and going to the parents' bed?
Well, clearly the time for separation (whether for the child or the parent) has not come. Anything that is done at any cost has the character of traumatism.